Tech Departments Fight Child Labor Policy

Tech Department Fights to Keep Students “Apprentices,” Calls New Regulations a “Coup”

MIDDLEBURROW, IL — The Middleburrow School District’s Technology Department is standing its ground against what its director, Gerald “Gerry” Sneed, is calling a “direct and un-American assault on the very foundation of digital literacy.” The target of his ire? A new district-wide policy, dubbed the “Student Tech Helper Protection Initiative,” which Mr. Sneed claims is a thinly veiled attempt to gut his department’s invaluable, if unpaid, labor force of fifth-grade volunteers.

Speaking from his office, a small room overflowing with obsolete CPUs and tangled Ethernet cables, Sneed outlined his concerns. "For generations, our students have learned the noble trade of tech support from the ground up," he said, gesturing emphatically with a discarded VGA cord. "They have toiled in the digital vineyards, un-jamming printers and untangling mice. This new edict, with its so-called 'breaks' and 'minimum hydration requirements,' is nothing less than a modern-day Child Labor Act of 1938, aimed squarely at our most industrious young citizens."

The new initiative, spearheaded by the district's Parent-Teacher Association (PTA), establishes a series of "onerous and bureaucratic" rules. For instance, it mandates that students can only work a maximum of 30 minutes on a single password reset, and they must be provided with a fresh juice box and a "pre-approved, non-sticky snack" after every two successful peripheral installations. "We can't operate a successful, modern IT department under these conditions," Sneed lamented. "How can a young apprentice learn the value of a strong work ethic if they are consistently interrupted by the tyranny of a juice box?"

Parents, however, are celebrating the changes. "My son, Timmy, came home last week with a list of 17 unresolved help tickets," said local parent Susan Rodriguez. "He was so exhausted from carrying Mrs. Henderson's smartboard to her classroom that he couldn't even finish his homework. This is not a 'volunteer' program; it's a shakedown."

Mr. Sneed countered by framing his department’s reliance on students as a vital pedagogical tool. "The sheer grit required to fix a teacher's broken monitor while they hover over your shoulder demanding to know why their 'email disappeared' is a lesson in resilience no classroom can teach," he explained. He concluded with a defiant promise: "We will not be moved. Our future depends on these brave, underpaid, and un-hydrated pioneers."