K-12 Trade Wars

LOCAL SCHOOL TECH DIRECTOR FACES DIPLOMATIC CRISIS AS TEACHERS REFUSE TO ‘DE-LEGACY-FY’ THEIR LAPTOPS

Chester Ridge, MN — A routine Chromebook rollout has devolved into what observers are calling “the most fraught standoff since U.S.–China trade negotiations,” after veteran teachers at Chestnut Ridge Schools refused to surrender their beloved, battle-scarred laptops.

District Technology Director Mark Jensen confirmed Friday that his office is “in the middle of a full-blown diplomatic incident.” The holdouts — a loose coalition of English and Social Studies faculty now dubbing themselves the Analog Axis — have declared their laptops “cultural heritage sites” and are demanding a “two-device solution.”

“We’ve offered them a generous trade agreement,” Jensen said, flanked by a stack of untouched Chromebook Plus devices. “We’re giving them light-as-a-feather machines with battery life measured in geological eras. All we want in return is their old, 12-pound paperweights. It’s like offering the U.S. a fleet of electric cars for their rusty, gas-guzzling 1998 Dodge Caravans.”

The teachers, however, have presented a list of counter-demands that insiders describe as “a cross between a labor contract and the Treaty of Versailles.”

English teacher Brenda Peterson, who has used the same Dell Inspiron since the Bush administration, defended her stance while her device emitted a low grinding hum.

“This laptop and I have history,” she said. “It’s survived No Child Left Behind, the Common Core wars, and three separate student uprisings. It remembers Windows XP. It’s not just a machine — it’s a living document of educational reform.”

Social Studies veteran Frank Miller framed the dispute as an ideological one:

“This isn’t about hardware,” Miller said, pointing to the sticky note that has replaced his missing T key. “This is about sovereignty. The Tech Department keeps dumping ‘innovation’ on us while demanding new passwords every 90 days. It’s a tech-imperialist grab designed to erase our traditional workflow.”

Meanwhile, younger faculty who eagerly adopted the Chromebooks — self-styled as the Cloud Coalition — accuse the Analog Axis of clinging to “devices that function more like paper shredders than computers.”

As negotiations dragged on, Jensen’s office floated sanctions: blocking Wi-Fi for any device with a CD-ROM drive and imposing tariffs on unauthorized VGA cable imports. The Axis retaliated by stockpiling overhead-projector transparencies and threatening to revert to chalkboards “until further notice.”

Eyewitnesses report a dramatic climax at Thursday’s staff meeting when Peterson hoisted her laptop above her head and shouted:

“You can pry my 20-pound brick from my cold, carpal-tunnel-ridden hands!”

The laptop immediately froze and emitted a mournful whine, forcing an unplanned reboot and a five-minute silence.

Jensen later announced a revised proposal: one shiny gold-star sticker and a ceremonial “last login parade” in exchange for each surrendered device. At press time, sources say Peterson is “considering the offer but reserving the right to install Minesweeper on her Chromebook as part of the final settlement.”