Student Council Moves to Ban AI

Student Council Moves to Ban AI, Citing Threat to "Smartest Kid in Class" Monopoly

EVERGREEN HIGH, CA—In a controversial, albeit self-serving, legislative push, the student council of Evergreen High has officially proposed a district-wide ban on all Artificial Intelligence. The motion, spearheaded by senior class president and perennial valedictorian hopeful, Kevin Chang, is reportedly a thinly veiled attempt to protect the student elite's long-held monopoly on the coveted "smartest kid in class" title.

Chang, known for his impeccably footnoted essays and a personal Wikipedia page that predates his high school enrollment, argued passionately before the school board. "AI, like ChatGPT, represents an existential threat to intellectual meritocracy," he declared, adjusting his perfectly pressed blazer. "If every student can churn out a flawless essay or solve complex math problems with a few keystrokes, what distinguishes true academic prowess from… mere algorithm manipulation?"

Sources close to the student council confirm the real motivation: a fear that AI will level the academic playing field, eroding the hard-earned social currency of Evergreen High's "smart kids."

"Look, I've spent years cultivating my image as the resident genius," confided junior Sarah Patel, who has consistently held the top spot in advanced calculus. "Now, some AI bot can write poetry better than me and solve differential equations in seconds? Where's the glory in that? It's like letting a supercomputer compete in the spelling bee. It's just unfair."

The proposed ban targets all AI tools, from generative text platforms to sophisticated math solvers. The student council even suggested a "zero-tolerance" policy, with AI usage carrying the same weight as plagiarism or, controversially, sharing Wi-Fi passwords without permission.

Teachers, however, are finding themselves in a tricky position. English teacher Ms. Davison admitted, "It's certainly a challenge. I just got an essay that perfectly analyzed Moby Dick through the lens of post-modern feminism. It was brilliantly written. Too brilliantly, perhaps. But how do you prove a student didn't write it if they're a known top performer?"

The tech department, already weary from battling TikTok trends and managing an endless stream of broken Chromebooks, views the potential AI ban with a mixture of amusement and dread. "So, now we're supposed to install 'AI sniffers' on all devices?" chuckled Tech Director Gary Henderson, shaking his head. "We can barely get the projectors to work consistently. How are we going to detect a nuanced philosophical argument generated by a large language model?"

Opponents of the ban, primarily students who struggle academically, argue for AI as an "equalizer." "It helps me understand concepts I miss in class," said sophomore Alex Rodriguez, whose grades have mysteriously improved since the advent of AI tools. "It's like having a personal tutor who never judges you and works 24/7. Why should only the 'smart kids' get all the help?"

Despite the pushback, the student council remains resolute. Kevin Chang believes the future of Evergreen High's intellectual hierarchy is at stake. "We must protect the integrity of human intelligence," he proclaimed, checking his smartwatch for impending email notifications. "Otherwise, what's to stop anyone from being considered a 'smart kid'? The very fabric of our social order depends on distinguishing the truly brilliant from the merely algorithmically-enhanced."

The school board is set to vote on the AI ban next month, leaving Evergreen High's "smart kids" anxiously awaiting a decision that could either preserve their reign or usher in an era of terrifying, universal academic competence.