DOE Takes TikTok Down With The Ship

In a Final, Desperate Act, Outgoing Department of Education Buys TikTok In Order to Abolish It Sparing Schools Billions in Chromebook Repairs

WASHINGTON D.C.—In a stunning, last-ditch maneuver before its widely anticipated abolition, the outgoing Department of Education (DOE) has announced it has successfully acquired the global sensation TikTok. However, contrary to expectations of a new federal social media platform, the DOE's intent is far more audacious: to immediately shut down the app, severing its digital tendrils from the nation's youth and, in doing so, performing one final, colossal good deed for America's long-suffering school technology departments repair teams.

The unexpected pending acquisition sent shockwaves through the tech world. Sources close to the deal described frantic, late-night negotiations. This acquisition will transfer ownership just hours before Congress dissolves the DOE.

"This was our last stand, our final hurrah," declared a visibly exhausted, yet triumphant, said a representative for the Secretary of Education, addressing a small gathering in a nearly empty DOE cafeteria. "We couldn't fix No Child Left Behind, we couldn't agree on standardized testing, but by God, we could stop the endless stream of dance challenges and viral trends that were systematically destroying school-issued Chromebooks across the country."

The move is being hailed as a heroic, if somewhat eccentric, parting gift to school districts. Tech directors, who have long battled the fallout from students attempting to replicate TikTok stunts using school property, are reportedly weeping tears of joy.

"Do you know how many cracked screens we've replaced because a kid tried to film a 'staircase surfing' challenge?" exclaimed Arlene Pavlow, Tech Director for Honey Hollow School District, who was found openly weeping into a pile of refurbished Chromebooks. "The constant strain on our Wi-Fi from endless scrolling, the shattered projector bulbs from 'ceiling challenges'... it was a war, and we were losing. The DOE just dropped a nuclear bomb on our biggest enemy, and they're not even charging us for it!"

The financial implications for schools are staggering. Industry analysts estimate that the elimination of TikTok related damage and network strain could save districts billions in annual repair costs, bandwidth upgrades, and the sheer mental health strain on IT staff.

"We estimated that 40% of all our device repairs were directly or indirectly linked to TikTok," revealed Hailey Wilson, from Viking High's tech department, who now looks forward to actually troubleshooting legitimate issues. "Now, finally, our Chromebooks can return to their intended purpose: running outdated school applications and being occasionally used for homework."

As the final servers for the beloved app are powered down, and a collective groan rises from millions of American teenagers, the Department of Education can ride off into the sunset, having achieved one final, undeniable legacy.

"We may have failed to close the achievement gap," Dr. Beret with the DOE concluded, a faint smile playing on his lips. "But we saved countless Chromebooks from certain doom. And isn't that, in its own way, educational?" members of Congress, currently debating how to dispose of the DOE's remaining roles of red tape, was unavailable for comment on this unprecedented act of digital sacrifice.