Vape Pens to Reduce IT Costs

Campus IT Solves Loss Problem: Distributes Styluses That Double as Disposable Vaping Devices

STATE COLLEGE, PA—In a revolutionary, if deeply bizarre, attempt to combat the epidemic of lost and stolen tech accessories, the Information Technology (IT) department has launched a pilot program distributing a new, dual-purpose accessory: a precision stylus that also functions as a disposable, nicotine-containing vape pen. The goal, according to IT Director Brett Thorne, is to leverage students bad habits to drastically reduce replacement costs.

"We ran the numbers," explained Mr. Thorne, addressing a confused faculty committee. "Students treat standard styluses like loose change—they lose them in backpacks, leave them in lecture halls, or they're inexplicably swallowed by the furniture. Our replacement budget was astronomical. We had to find a way to make them intrinsically valuable to the user."

The solution, dubbed the "Focus-Tip 5000," is a sleek, black stylus on one end for use with school issued tablets, and a discreet, flavored vapor dispenser on the other. The IT department framed the initiative as a pragmatic solution to a behavioral problem.

"If a student knows their stylus also contains a highly desirable, consumable item, they will guard it with their life," Mr. Thorne asserted, pointing to a graph showing projected 'loss rates' plummeting toward zero. "This isn't an investment in student health; it's an investment in asset management. We are weaponizing addiction to ensure accountability."

The move has drawn both praise and bewilderment.

The Accounting Department hailed the initiative as "fiscal genius," noting the projected savings could fund a new coffee machine for the entire administration building.

The Student Body quickly embraced the device, immediately attempting to jailbreak the firmware. "I bet I can mod the Focus-Tip to write my philosophy paper while I'm hitting a mango flavor burst," declared junior Kevin Anderson. "This is peak efficiency."

The Wellness Center released a tersely worded, two-sentence press statement, stating only: "We are deeply concerned. Please see us."

Instructors are now navigating the awkward new reality. "I used to confiscate vapes," sighed Elena Rodriguez. "Now, I'm essentially actively promoting a student nicotine source."

Tech support staff, meanwhile, are struggling with a new class of help tickets. "We're not just fixing Wi-Fi anymore," lamented a technician. "I spent an hour yesterday trying to fix a broken 'vape-tip' that was stuck to a tablet screen. Our job has officially become the confluence of IT and convenience store."

Mr. Thorne remains unfazed by the controversy, focusing solely on the bottom line. "Our metric is simple: are the tablets losing their styluses? The answer is a definitive no. Our inventory is secure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to approve the purchase order for 50,000 units of 'Caramel Macchiato' flavored refills."

However, a recent internal audit, accidentally leaked when a tech intern left their laptop unlocked in the breakroom, revealed an even more astonishing detail: the nicotine cartridges turned out to be an "inert essential oil" for the Focus-Tip 5000 are exclusively sourced from "Zenith-Edge Wellness," a multi-level marketing (MLM) company where Mr. Thorne and several key IT staff members hold high-ranking distributor positions.

Investigator believe Mr. Thorne and his team have used the cartridges to significantly boosting their sales volume to "rank up" their Zenith-Edge Wellness status to offset their meager public sector wages through essential oil sales.

When confronted with the leaked documents, Mr. Thorne simply smiled. "Our inventory is secure," he reiterated, taking a long, deliberate puff from her own "Focus-Tip 5000," which wafted a gentle scent of lavender and subtle ambition. "And frankly, my 'stress-reducing blend' has never been more effective."